“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
These are my roll models.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever