Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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Single and childfree like Jesus
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward