Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
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Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Did a trash talking tree write this?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.