Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
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I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.