There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
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I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
adding to the discourse
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
How it started: How it’s going: