me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
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Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money