Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
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[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*