I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?