[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?