KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
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*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Some people were born into their job.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
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