Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Noah
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
It’s a gift
😬
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again