The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
You Might Also Like
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!