“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I put the h in mysterious.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.