BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams