“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.