i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Pringles
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.