1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
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Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Ovenable?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi