If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.