C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
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LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich