Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.