If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun