*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
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Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it