Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
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Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Black Friday “markdowns” like
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Perfect.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.