Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
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Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
me refusing to leave twitter