My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
You Might Also Like
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.