Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
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I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me