i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
You Might Also Like
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
A friend helps you before you need it
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*