My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
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I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.