I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]