breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
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Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.