[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
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I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
when dads have a rap battle
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle