He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.