Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
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People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.