*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Oh yeh? Explain this then
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
yeah no that’s fair
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
The French word for sex is croissant.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.