I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it