I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.