Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
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incredible
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.