I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
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People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same