I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
me when i see my girls butt
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
can’t believe I got front row seats
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.