God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
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Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!