[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.