“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
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Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
When life hands you women, make women laid.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.