I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.