I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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Hey Fugeddaboutit
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Labreador
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.