I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
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Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS