I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*jazz hands*
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.