Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”