First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Meanwhile in Portland…
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR