*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
The photographer’s assistant