[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
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Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it